Making Relationships That Last

It’s that time of year; where the cupids fly, and candy hearts read “Be Mine.” While some of us enjoy Valentine’s festivities, others of us cringe in disgust. No matter whether your status is single, taken, or ‘it’s complicated’, everyone needs relationships (not just romantic ones). While relationships can bring excitement, fun, and comfort, they are hard work. I’m talking about the kind of relationships that can withstand the best and worst moments. Honestly, growing up, I wish I knew more about making lasting relationships. 

For most of my life, I found myself constantly being available for other people ignoring my needs, thinking that’s how relationships worked. Eventually, when I would have a crisis, I didn’t know how to allow others to be there for me, or worse, I found that the people I was there for weren’t there for me. As you can imagine, it left me exhausted and lonely. If you can relate, don’t panic! I’ve decided to include advice I’ve heard and learned over the years. This isn’t just for romantic relationships, but for any kind, from friendship to professional. By no means am I an expert on relationships, but I hope these tips can help you develop stronger, healthier, and lasting relationships.

Know Who You Are

So many of us, myself included, think that somehow another person can complete us. Instead of spending time appreciating who we are as an individual, we get lost thinking how much better our life would be if we had a certain friend group, family, or significant other. No matter how perfect the fantasy seems in your head, no person will ever be able to complete you. Sure, they can make your life better and help you grow, but they can’t make you accept how awesome YOU are. So, take time to get to know who you are. This can include a variety of things, from your personality to your dreams. As you understand who you are, you'll start to value yourself. 

When you know your value, you set the standard for others on how to treat you. Someone once told me that we teach people how to treat us. That’s why it’s so important to respect yourself, because you're showing others to respect you too. This may not be easy for some of us, but it is possible and worthwhile.  Instead of thinking about all things we wish we could change about ourselves, make a list of what you like about yourself. I’m serious - put on your phone or your mirror in your bag someplace where you’ll notice it every day - when you know who you are, it will be easier to connect and develop more meaningful relationships with others.

Communicate

I know this seems basic; however, it can be difficult to do. I’ve heard plenty of advice revolving around this topic. One area of communication I’ll discuss is conflict. Everything is great when you and your friend, partner, or relative are getting along; but what happens when you don’t? You can learn a lot about yourself and someone else by how they handle conflict. Some of us run away while some of us explode. Here’s some advice for the next time you have a conflict. 

First, say how you feel. This is also a great opportunity to say what you need if you haven’t before.  Some of us expect others to read us and notice that we’re upset. If you’re too upset to talk about the situation, say you need some time to cool down. Just remember; to eventually talk about the situation. I know it’s easier and more satisfying at the moment to give the silent treatment, sweep the situation under the rug, or yell at the top of your lungs.  From experience, I’ve learned that temporary gratification can bring enduring consequences.

  Once it’s time to talk about the situation, try  to listen first. Listening means being present and not planning on what you’re going to say to prove your point. If you don’t understand what’s being said, ask questions to clarify and show interest. When both perspectives are heard, take the time to exchange apologies for any hurtful behavior. It can also be a place to talk about any changes in behavior for the future. Then, love it out; I remember when my family members and I got into a conflict; we always ended in a hug because we all still love and care for each other. Sometimes it just takes time to see that.  During this whole process, being mindful of what I’m saying sounds a lot easier than putting it into practice. You may not get it right, and that’s okay. As time goes along, you'll get better at handling conflict as long as you put in effort.

As the box of chocolates and roses fade, I’ve realized that relationships will never be that way; it is a core part of who we are. Whether you feel secure or unsure about your relationships, know there are always ways we can improve. Hopefully, from this article, you’ve come to see that YOU are capable of making meaningful connections, and you deserve to make them.