I Will Not Forget
The other night I was imprisoned by a dream. It wasn’t the usual type of dream that I am used to. I was there, but not present. I saw everything but was not visible. I wanted to act, but I could not. I appeared. I stood there; silent, motionless, confused. I looked around and saw a familiar face. I saw walls and furniture that all were tightly woven into my memory. It wasn’t a classic case of déjà vu because I had been here before.
It was the last time I had seen someone I cared about before they died. While I have thought about this scenario a multitude of times, this was the first instance where I had been stuck replaying it on a continuous loop. I was immensely happy at that moment when I first saw their face. However, as the moments passed, I began to be overcome with sorrow. I realized the moment in time I was encapsulated in was a day I had chosen to forget. The moment seemed to last forever, yet be thrown into a halt by my waking eyes.
I woke up confused as to why my mind transported me to this instance and at this moment in time. As the day pressed on, I asked myself the following questions. I wondered if this was some sort of calling from my deep consciousness telling me that I need to remember those things which I try to forget. I wondered if this replaying of my grief was karma for something I had done. I wondered if this was just a cruel reminder that just because something causes pain doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful.
To lose someone is to lose an extension of yourself. To lose someone is to develop this gaping hole in this organ they call your “heart.” To lose someone is to become blinded in confusion, doubt, and incessant reflection on what could have been done to change the outcome. What could I have done differently? Would it have made a difference? Grief is like a snow globe. Grief traps people within this enclosed space that can be thrown into disarray by force at any given time. At one moment, everything is calm and under control. In the next, a whirlwind of chaos, confusion, a mere pandemonium begins to unfold.
This dream made me realize that grief does not have to play out in this fashion. To lose someone can be the opportunity to see the beauty in missing, recognizing and rekindling the love you feel for those that you have lost. To lose someone is to remember the memories that are tied closely to your heart. To lose someone is to know how much you cared about them; they became a beautiful parasite attached to your heart and that doesn’t just go away when they do.
Grief doesn’t have to be something that makes you feel empty and incomplete. The fact that you feel abandonment declares how special that person was to you. It does not have to be this ugly and confining force in your life, but something that brings meaning to it. It can open your heart, body, and soul to love. It’s not the end, but a blimp to overcome and learn from in the journey. Of course, this is easier said than done, and I tend to forget this more than others. But, it is something we have to keep in mind to overcome grief. It’s not a magic cure, but it could be a start.
To those of you I have lost: I will never forget you, even if it is painful. I will keep you close to my heart as that is the place you have remained. I see, in my memories of you, the love, laughter, annoyance, frustration, and awe that defined life. You will forever be with me on this journey we call life. I will not forget all the meaning you have contributed to my life and continue to do so to this day. You may be gone, but you're not lost. You're here with me. I will not forget.
Image obtained from Squarespace
